Arleen remembers when she would frantically look for anywhere to go to run away from her husband.
She has been married three times, and each time her partners verbally abused her and tried to control her. She felt like she couldn’t trust anyone.
“I got married at 18 and got out of the house, and I was pregnant at the time,” said Arleen. “I married a drug addict, alcoholic, and abusive man. That marriage lasted a year and a half. After that divorce, I remarried another man that was very controlling and abusive as well.”
Arleen spoke with NewmarketToday requesting partial anonymity for fear of retribution from her third husband, but she wanted to share her story to highlight the lasting and damaging impacts of verbal abuse.
She would end up meeting Ellen Campbell, CEO and founder of Newmarket-based Abuse Hurts, while at a church after her third marriage. The organization operates as a referral service to help survivors escape abuse across the province.
“Unfortunately, the need has gone up tremendously,” said Campbell. “We support a lot of shelters, Children’s Aid, Salvation Army, and Blue Door. It is people in need, not just people that have been abused.”
The charity currently supports dozens of organizations, including children’s services, victims services, shelters, and other agencies that deal with tens of thousands of children, women, and men whose lives have been affected by abuse. Abuse Hurts operates solely on private donations with no sustaining funds from any government body.
A fashion show in support of Abuse Hurts will be held at Newmarket Old Town Hall this Thursday, May 9 from 6:30 to 10 p.m. The Delivering Hope Spring Fashion Affair With a French Flair features 16 women and eight men in the show strutting their stuff in front of an audience to raise awareness and funds for the charity.
“This year, we’re having local celebrities as our models,” said Liz Livingstone, chair of the event. “Local celebrities being local business owners and people involved in the community.”
After Arleen’s short first marriage, her second union lasted 27 years, only for her to find out her husband was having affairs behind her back.
“He was an angry man all the time and a manipulator,” said Arleen. “He was having affairs with women that I never knew of. When I found out, he left me.”
She said they went through couples counselling, but it didn’t work out. They figured they could work on their issues themselves. When her second husband abandoned her, she would find herself sleeping at a Tim Hortons.
“I was always running for my life, always looking back, thinking somebody was going to hurt me,” said Arleen. “I never had any trust for men.”
According to Statistics Canada, there were 127,082 victims of police-reported family violence (violence committed by spouses, parents, children, siblings, and extended family members) in 2021, a rate of 336 victims per 100,000 population. This marked the fifth consecutive year of increase. Women and girls represented two-thirds (69 per cent) of family violence victims. The rate of family violence was more than two times higher for women and girls than for men and boys (457 victims versus 212 per 100,000 population).
“I wish we were out of work,” said Campbell. “I’m afraid that is not the case. I always say abuse is like cancer. If it hasn’t happened to you, you know somebody. I want to emphasize that we help men, as well.”
Arleen lived in her car with nowhere else to go. She stayed at different cafes to try to stay warm.
“I was so afraid of getting knocked out, molested or raped,” said Arleen.
Arleen would then remarry a third time. They have been together for 18 years and separated for nine years. Though she supports him in anyway she can, she understands she can not be with him at this time. They live in separate places, as she said he can snap at any moment with anger.
“I was a very lonely person, trusting everybody,” said Arleen. “Everybody was coupled off, so I thought, ‘Why wasn’t I married? Why don’t I have anybody’? I didn’t want to get back into control and manipulation. I was living in fear.”
She said she loves her third husband, but she can not live with the abuse. She hopes they can get back together at some point.
The Abuse Hurts fashion fundraiser also features refreshments and high-end local retailers. This year’s fashion show will feature familiar faces like Newmarket resident Jackie Playter, Chris Cartwright of Main Street Realty, Andrew Fagan of Community Living Central York, Juliane Goyette of Riverwalk Wealth and Debora Kelly, editor of NewmarketToday.
“Hopefully, it’s going to create some awareness for Abuse Hurts and allow people to learn about the charity and what it does in the community,” said Livingstone. “We want everyone to come and have a good time. It is an event we want to do year after year.”
You can purchase tickets online for $70. It includes admission, refreshments, and French cuisine. Space is limited.
“As important as fundraising is, we want people to be aware that we’re there and we can help them and support them,” said Campbell.
Arleen advises women in abusive relationships to leave now and get the help available.
“They have to heal themselves because us women blame ourselves for this,” said Arleen. “Forgive yourselves and get involved with a church or some kind of organization with counselling’.
For more information, visit https://abusehurts.ca/ or call 1-833-292-4202. If you are in crisis, call 1-833-456-4566 immediately.
